Everywhere I look I see women who have lost their voice, including me. We are silent at work, at home, in our relationships, and worst of all, we are silent to ourselves. How is it that our best and brightest suffer in silence? It is not how nature intended it to go.
At birth we all come out as we are meant to be, loud, proclaiming our arrival with an appropriate howl. In the beginning, our every utterance is heralded with "oohs and ahhs." This grand state of being usually lasts for a year or two; we are perfect, cute and accepted, just the way we are. And then, we somehow cross the invisible, proverbial line and one day the "Isn't she cute" statements become a disturbing, "SHH!" The louder we get, the more severely we're reprimanded. The virus begins to take hold. We start to silence ourselves. Laryngitis reigns.
Collectively, we have done the worst damage to ourselves. We haven't honored women who took a stand for themselves-we called her a Bitch. Those few that managed to raise the ceiling, seemed somehow to lose their way. They then became the scapegoat for the male counterparts in terms of punishment. Just look at Martha Stewart's fate and that of the boys of ENRON.
In the 70's we raised our voices in Assertiveness training, only to be labeled aggressive. Try and try as we might, it seemed that every time we raised our voice, it was silenced and the virus crept through and took hold throughout our lives. "It's not that important" became our mantra, and rather than ruffle any feathers, we kept our mouths shut, one by one.
I'm all for keeping the peace and turning the other cheek. Where good intentions go astray is when we can no longer find solace in our own internal bubble. We silence ourselves with food, alcohol, sex or sleep. Boundaries beckon us, but we don't really have a clue what they are or how to set them appropriately. They can become insurmountable walls around our hearts or a bulldozer on another woman's boundary if we're not careful. Start standing up for yourself and caring more about how you feel. It's okay for it to be messy as you find your way, just clean up the messes as you go.
For me, there is really only one important question to answer: Do you know the truth of you? Can you hear your voice straining to reach you above the din of life? If you can be still for just a moment you will hear her say, "You are beautiful, You are gifted, You are important, You are perfect just the way you are."
Why don't we believe these inherent truths about ourselves? We believe it about our children, don't we? Don't we love our friends with all their quirks and bad behaviors? Don't they love our quirks right back?
The statistics on the results of our collective laryngitis is alarming. According to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery, more than 8 million of us were nipped and tucked in 2004. Can you imagine what that number is today? All the makeover shows are telling us that we are not 'Good Enough' and need multiple surgeries, not just one mind you, to make us acceptable. It's not a sin to want to look better, it is a heartbreak to turn to the knife to feel better about ourselves.
And if we're not being made over, we're certainly depressed about it. Over 10 million of us have been diagnosed with depression, according to the American Psychological Association's fact sheet. Women are twice as likely as men to be depressed and married women are more likely to be depressed than single women. Get this, married men are less likely to be depressed than single men. Apparently what's good for the gander is not so good for the goose.
Statistics aside, we know that we can stop this epidemic in self-loathing one woman at a time, starting with you. Whatever we focus on we get, according to laws of the universe, so let's start focusing on how FABULOUS we are. Quick, right now, tell me one thing that is just the BOMB about you! Now up the ante and tell me another wonderful tidbit about you that most people don't get right away. See how easy it is? Let's go on a wonderful hunt to discover the wonder in each other. If you see a woman with great style, go up and tell her. Love her hair?, let her know. Each one of us is really special, let's find our voices and start using them for the good.
How can you start using and strengthening your voice? Here are some tips:
1.You are important. Life is not the same without your gift.
You better know just how important you are. Did you ever try to bake bread without that "not so important" bit of yeast? It doesn't come out the same, does it? Well, life without you is just as flat. Let your voice be heard. Write letters to the editor, get to know your representatives in Washington and your state capital. What you have to say is important. We need your voice.
2.Start to say "No" when you mean "No" and "Yes" when something lights you up. You have permission not to be a martyr anymore. It's hell on your cuticles.
3.Be a role model for young women. Live your life like it's the only one you have. Reincarnation may well be true, but if we can't remember it, who cares?
4.Be a mentor to another woman or a young girl. You have no idea how valuable your knowledge is to someone who is struggling to find herself. You don't have to have a special degree or skill, just show up. It is the greatest gift you can give another.
5.Spread the word to other women that their voice is important too.
Today as you walk down the street notice the women you see. Imagine that they have no voice. Picture them with their lips zipped shut. Scary, isn't it? Whenever we stifle ourselves that is the world we are creating, not just for ourselves, but also for all women.
Be loud! Be funny! Be heard! The greatest gift of democracy is our voice and the right to be heard. Dylan Thomas reminds us to "Not go gentle into that good night," let's raise our voices together. What a beautiful sound we make.
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