Many types of relationships can be toxic to us. While the term is often used to describe a relationship between two people, it can be bigger than that. Toxic relationships can occur in the context of dating, marriage, family or friends. They can also be found on the organizational level of relationships, such as employment, church or social groups. Regardless of the level of the toxic relationship, the signs and symptoms are similar.
Signs include what the relationship looks like to you or others. The following are signs that can be seen by you or others:
Fault finding/criticism. This is often a two way street with you blaming the other party, and the other party blaming you.
Devaluing of thoughts and ideas.
Overt or subtle put-downs.
You find your time is devoured by the relationship. You are always trying to change the situation either by physically making changes, or mentally jumping through hoops to convince yourself things are all right, or that you can fix the problem.
Blame is almost always leveled at the other party, with either party rarely taking personal responsibility.
Symptoms describe how it feels on a subjective level. Often, due to a perception of ineptness and inadequacy, you feel constant need to prove yourself and your worthiness to rid yourself of feelings of guilt and shame. You feel unsupported, used and manipulated. Therefore you frequently find yourself angry. This anger may manifest itself as a constant low-grade tension, or it may explode into an argument. Sometimes you make so many compromises to maintain the relationship you are not even sure if you are still you. Toxic relationships continue in an atmosphere of control.
It is important to realize that it takes two to have a toxic relationship. If just one person starts making health changes, the relationship becomes healthier; even if the other party doesn't change, or even becomes worse. A healthy relationship is not absolutely dependent on two healthy partners, only one. The first step is to recognize what unhealthy control looks like. People use many different techniques to control relationships:
The bulldozer utilizes the "might makes right" philosophy. This is the belief that if one is loud enough, or strong enough the argument is won. You know you are dealing with this type of person if you avoid arguments because you don't want to hear the yelling or intellectual arguing.
The guilt trip travel agent is always handing out guilt trips. This is the person who, while not taking personal responsibility for the problems, can easily find and share every minute detail of guilt in the other person. When you try to share a concern you have about the travel agent's behavior, the agent is very adept at giving you a return ticket so that all the guilt falls back on you.
The defenseless little infant takes control by always needing you. Like an infant who is totally dependent on others to care for him, this person is constantly asking for your advice. The infant does not want you to get too far from them and they will use any means to keep you near. They can be clingy, in need of advice, too fearful to do simple tasks, or they may constantly claim illness that prevents them from doing more. However they do it, you will find yourself feeling suffocated, and desperate for some space.
The lender is the person you always feel indebted to. They may have genuinely helped you in the past or they may dangle the possibility of help like a carrot before a mule. Either way, you feel indebted to them, unable to shake them off because of your need. People often feel like this when a toxic relationship is a supervisor or in a work environment.
The distance runner is aloof and under involved in your life. The runner seems to always have other commitments, which prevent him from investing deeply in the relationship. Runners follow through on commitments sporadically (when they feel like it). They are not emotionally supportive and you often find yourself wondering about their commitment to you.
The exchanger knows how to exchange your problems for theirs. When dealing with the exchanger you find that when you try to talk about concerns you have in the relationship, somehow, without even knowing how, you find yourself comforting them.
The love bug wants you close by. In the beginning of a new relationship, this may feel endearing; you feel special as the focus of positive and loving attention. Slowly the embrace tightens to the point where you have little to no freedom because the love bug is holding you so closely you have no ability to make your own decisions.
If you need help evaluating the toxicity of a relationship call a competent psychotherapist today.
No comments:
Post a Comment